Self-compassion is not a word many people have in their vocabulary, let alone a behaviour in their regular repertoire. In fact, I have come across people who almost recoil when I introduce them to the concept.
Others are confused or sceptical, or interpret it as an inappropriate suggestion to be complacent, lazy, or to indulge in self-pity. In fact, self-compassion is none of these things. It has nothing to do with being self-centred, having no ambition or refusing accountability for words and actions.
Essentially, self-compassion is about approaching yourself as you would a good friend or close colleague who you care about and respect. How would you speak to someone who is going through a difficult time, facing a setback or dealing with the consequences of a personal mistake? You probably would not berate them, repeatedly list all their weaknesses and shortcomings, or suggest that they do not deserve any better. However, this is how many people tend to talk to themselves.
Being one’s own good friend and offering encouragement and kindness to oneself in emotionally challenging times, can be surprisingly difficult to achieve. Genuine self-compassion revolves around a growth mindset (focussing on learning from unsuccessful actions and projects, rather than endlessly ruminating about failures), cultivating inner strength and resilience, and developing an unshakeable sense of self-worth that is independent of external achievements and status symbols such as prestigious job titles, ownership of luxury products or being part of a particular social group.
According to psychologist Dr Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on the subject, there are three key elements to self-compassion:
Mindfulness. The aim of mindfulness is to avoid an over-identification with your thoughts and feelings: instead of being caught up and swept away by them, the idea is to just notice what is going on for you and remain curious rather than judgmental. We often get stuck in our own story, the narrative we spin around our experiences, which may cause us to become reactive and feel like we have no options left. A self-compassionate approach means neither supressing or denying your challenging thoughts and emotions, nor taking them for indisputable or unchangeable facts. Instead, accept them for what they are, then look for productive ways to work with them (e.g. asking yourself what causes particular emotions such as disappointment, guilt or resentment, and what steps you can take to effect positive change in the situation).
Self-kindness. Attacking yourself when you fall short of your own standards, feel inadequate or deal with disappointment, will only increase your suffering. Offer yourself the same gentle care, patience and warmth that you would give to a close friend, instead of reprimanding and chastising yourself. You may even try to talk to yourself in the third person, e.g. “Rebecca, you’ve got this; things will be ok. What do you need right now to feel better?” Yes, it may feel awkward and unfamiliar at first, but can be very helpful in calming yourself down. Remember that harsh self-criticism is unproductive and unlikely to enable you to do better, but will increase your frustration, stress and negativity.
Common humanity. Ruminating about our flaws, mistakes and weaknesses can keep you feeling lonely and isolated, even resulting in the deceptive conclusion that you are the only person feeling this way, or that nobody else could possibly be as “broken” as you are. Self-compassion allows you to recognise that failure and pain is part of the shared human experience – something we have all in common. Nobody has it all figured out! Acknowledging that everyone is imperfect, that we are all just trying our best but are prone to fail sometimes, makes it easier to accept that this naturally applies to you, too. This understanding can be the catalyst for reaching out and connecting with others around you in a meaningful and mutually supportive way.
Carl Rogers, one of the founders of the humanistic approach in psychology (and widely regarded as one of the most eminent thinkers in psychology), famously said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” In other words: once we overcome our fixation on what is (apparently) wrong with us – the many ways in which we fail to be the person we really want to be, or think we should be – we can direct our energy and attention towards the opportunities for growth, authenticity, joy and positive change in our lives.
This should make it clear that self-compassion is performance-enhancing, not an excuse for bad behaviour or an invitation for self-pity. Another important aspect is the connection between the compassion we have for ourselves and the one we show to others: practicing one tends to also enhance the other, creating an upward spiral or ripple effect of non-judgmental, kind and encouraging behaviour.
For many of us, self-compassion may be a new concept, and maybe not something that comes naturally. The good news is that it is a learnable skill. To flex your self-compassion muscle, try the suggested exercises below:
Write a letter to yourself. Think about a difficult situation or challenge in your life; something that brings up difficult emotions for you. Now pretend that this is actually an experience that a close friend just told you about. What would you say to them? Take out pen and paper (or the computer keyboard) and write down what you want to tell your friend. What advice or encouragement would you have for them? How would you offer kindness and support to alleviate their distress?
Connect with the three elements of self-compassion. When facing an obstacle or disappointment, take a few deep breaths and turn you mind to each of the three elements. Be mindful in your observation of your thoughts feelings and physical sensations, offer yourself words of kindness and understanding (e.g. “Things like this are part of life; it’s normal to make mistakes sometimes. I tried my best and this is what matters. This is not the end of the world and I still deserve to treat myself well.”), and keep in mind that feeling like you do right now is a universal experience and part of our shared humanity.
Reflect on the positive impact of self-compassion. Think about what keeps you from treating yourself with compassion more often. What are the underlying beliefs, expectations and values that may cause your tendency to be perfectionistic or overly critical with yourself sometimes? What do you think could happen if you cultivated a stronger sense of unconditional self-worth? What could you achieve, and how would you feel? What would the world look like if everyone had more compassion for oneself and others?
Do a guided self-compassion meditation. A guided compassion meditation can help you explore the concept on a deeper and personal level. For example, you may want to try out one of Kristin Neff’s meditations in your lunch break or as part of your wind-down routine after work, or try out the InsightTimer app, the largest free library of guided mindfulness and mediation tracks.
On your journey to becoming a more compassionate person – with yourself and with others – don’t forget to remain patient and expect that it won’t always go to plan. Nobody is perfect, and there is always space to grow and learn.