Have you ever noticed that families and work teams seem to be stuck in repetitive, destructive patterns of interacting with each other, often in a way that perpetuates conflict and keeps individuals stuck in unhelpful communication habits? Has this maybe happened to you?
Or have you ever felt that you cannot escape a particular role you seem to be playing in recurring relationship dynamics, as if you were somehow trapped – always cycling through the same frustrating petty arguments and annoying discussions, never getting to a resolution?
What you have witnessed or have been experiencing yourself is most likely the Karpman Triangle – also called Drama Triangle – being played out in front of your eyes.
So, what is the Karpman triangle about?
It’s a dynamic model of typical (dysfunctional) social interaction first identified and described by psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman in the 1960s. It describes an interplay of roles that each follow a narrow script designed to protect and defend one’s position or ego. These roles match the strategies we have adopted to manage our fears around conflict, and they reflect our beliefs and inner narratives about other people, the world at large, and our place in it. “Drama” is created every time the “players” (family or team members) take on the different roles in relation to each other (more about this below).
To understand the origins of the Karpman Drama Triangle, it is helpful to know that Stephen Karpman was a student of Eric Berne, the Canadian psychiatrist who developed Transactional Analysis (an influential psychoanalytic model and therapy approach focusing on social roles people unconsciously adopt; TA in short). Karpman’s work was influenced by TA, but he changed the focus by shining a spotlight on common patters of ongoing, unresolved conflict – or drama – in families, teams and other social groups where people come together to collaborate, share resources or achieve common goals. The model identifies three archetypal roles (or mindsets) that feed on each other: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.
What are the roles?
Do you recognise the below descriptions?
Victim: We fall into the Victim role when we feel helpless, oppressed, existentially misunderstood, and treated unfairly but the word in general and the people we are interacting with in particular. It is important to note that the Victim role is not about being a genuine victim of abuse, bullying or harassment. Instead, it describes a particular mindset (a particular way of perceiving, interpreting an acting on information) that assumes the world is inherently unfair; there just aren’t enough resources going around to meet everyone’s needs. The Victim is convinced they have drawn the short end of the deal, resulting in an experience of lack and deficiency, all through no fault of their own. This powerlessness is something they tend to talk about a lot, either directly or indirectly. Others often perceive Victims as negative, complaining and passive, which may prompt them to either help the Victim (see Rescuer), or becoming annoyed and impatient with their “poor me” demeanour and ongoing excuses, potentially turning into the Victim’s Persecutor.
Here is what a Victim on the Karpman triangle may say:
“Nobody gets me.”
“Life is just so unfair.”
“It’s not my fault!”
Persecutor: Unaware or uninterested in the emotional needs of others, the Persecutor blames, controls, criticises and attacks. While they may see themselves as the defender of truth and justice, upholding positive ideals and timeless values, others are likely to perceive the Persecutor as oppressive, angry, authoritarian – or even as a self-righteous bully. They may be punitive, threaten and shame others, or find it difficult to accept any deviation from their interpretation of “the right way” to do things or solve a problem.
As leaders, they often create an environment of rigidity or fear, leading to a team culture were people become increasingly risk-averse, lose their creativity and try to hide mistakes. At some point, others may have had enough and “gang up” against the Persecutor, which may push them towards the Victim role.
Here is what you may hear from the Persecutor on the Karpman triangle:
“This is all your fault.”
“You better get this done quickly (or else).”
“You are doing this wrong.”
Rescuer: At first glance, the Rescuer may look like the hero figure, swooping on to save the day. They see themselves as a “good person” and do not like it when others are upset. The Rescuer will work hard in an attempt to placate, save and help others. Always ready to jump into solution mode, they may not realise that the other person just wanted to be listened to instead of being handed an easy fix. Because Rescuers are quick to help and sort out other people’s problems, they keep enabling and promoting the Victim’s dependency instead of supporting them to take accountability of their own actions. The Rescuer also risks burnout by always taking on everything and neglecting their own needs. In leadership roles, a tendency for rescuing can also present itself as micro-managing (“I know best how you should be doing this, let’s check in so I can give you the details”) or a lack of delegation (“It’s quicker and easier if I just do this myself”). This can also lead to resentment, anger and a sense of being taken for granted, which may turn the Rescuer into a Victim or Persecutor over time.
Some typical phrases may include:
“Don’t worry, I’ll fix this for you.”
“Just let me help you!”
“Not a problem, I’ll sort it out for you.”
The Karpman triangle visualises this dynamic in an upside-down triangle:
While most people have their “default setting” – their natural go-to role they most often adopt in conflict – we tend to rotate through the roles as conflict and relationships progress and morph into new situations over time.
For example, take Sarah. She feels like a Victim in relationship with their outspoken and confident colleagues Jack, Lucy and Chris. Sarah is convinced that she is working harder than everybody else and gets none of the public praise and rewards that their unwitting manager, Peter, keeps dishing out to her lazy, undeserving team members (which is how it appears in her Victim’s mind). One day, Peter leaves the organisation and someone new, Vicky, moves into the manager position. Fearful of being overlooked and playing second fiddle again, Sarah starts pointing out her colleagues’ mistakes and criticises their ideas at every opportunity. She is effectively taking on the Persecutor role. Team members are upset by this, and Vicky responds by jumping in the Rescuer’s position, trying to appease and diffuse raising tension in the team. However, when she fails to make everyone feel safe and relaxed at work, a couple of team members start to accuse her, more or less openly, of being unwilling or unable to effectively lead the team (becoming Vicky’s Persecutors). Vicky, feeling disappointed and powerless to change the negative dynamic in his new team (taking on a Victim mentality), starts to retreat and reduce communication. When Chris and Lucy are making snarky comments about Vicky, Sarah now moves into the Rescuer role, defending her manager’s behaviour and explaining her challenges to her uncaring and socially inept team members (which is how it appears in the Rescuer’s mind). And on and on it goes…
As different as they are, there is a common thread to all three roles: They refuse responsibility for their own experience and look for others to blame instead. Victim, Persecution and Rescuer are each trapped in an unproductive mindset that keeps them reactive and focused on problems instead of solutions.
Why do we assume these roles?
A reasonable question at this point is why anyone would want to adopt these clearly limited (and self-limiting!) roles. From an outsider’s perspective, it’s more or less obvious that they keep everyone dependent and stuck in an unhealthy dynamic, so what’s in it for the players?
The answer is that in the short term, each role pays off in emotional rewards including a sense of control and self-protection. Let’s go through them one by one.
Victim: As a Victim, I get others to help me and take care of my needs. I don’t really need to do the work; I release myself of any accountability by making others responsible for everything that happens to me. The Victim feels powerless and keeps telling themselves (and everyone else) deficiency stories – the world is set up unfairly, and they were denied what was rightfully theirs. Assuming the Victim role is a coping mechanism and survival strategy that keeps the person off the hook and allows them to feel blameless through it all.
Persecutor: When I am in the Persecutor role, I bask in the feeling of being right. In know the truth when others don’t; I feel powerful and in control of others; I get my way. The Persecutor’s public demonstration of power often masks their fear of becoming the next victim. They tend to deny their own feelings and vulnerability, hiding any hint of imperfection or mistake to avoid being perceived as weak or wrong.
Rescuer: As a Rescuer, I feel needed. It feels good to help someone and make a positive difference. It also allows me to claim the moral high ground and feel morally superior to others. Behind the Rescuer’s strong motivation to swoop in and solve other people’s problems stands the fear to be alone, isolated or “thrown out” of the group. To them, putting others before their own needs is the price that needs to be paid for being liked and accepted. However, keeping others dependent on them can also be a way for the Rescuer to subtly influence and control.
The emotional benefits and rewards are what makes these roles addictive and commonplace, even though they keep us trapped and reactive in the long term. Once you are aware of the Karpman Triangle, you start to see it play out just about everywhere. In the office, at home, in books, films and soap operas and reality TV shows. We just love watching the drama unfold, and we are easily sucked into it.
Is there an alternative to the Karpman triangle?
So, what can we do to jump off the self-perpetuating, unproductive and drama-fuelled dynamic? David Emerald has developed the antidote model which he called the Empowerment Dynamic. He wrote a book about it in 2005, called The Power of TED.
In the Empowerment Dynamic, the scripts for each role are flipped towards a more empowering, proactive and healthy way of interacting and getting our needs met. The main players in this dynamic are called Creator, Challenger and Coach. They are replacing Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer in the following ways:
From Victim to Creator: As a positive alternative to the Victim, the Creator takes full responsibility for their own choices and actions. They know that while we cannot control other people or what happens in the world, it is up to us how we respond, what we pay attention to, and which habits we cultivate in our life and relationships. The Creator has a growth mindset, always looking for new opportunities to grow, develop and learn, even in the middle of challenge and difficulty.
From Persecutor to Challenger: While Challengers stand up for their ideals, beliefs and vision, they do so in a way that does not antagonise or divide other people, but unites and inspires them to achieve better outcomes. When a Challenger provides constructive feedback, it is never about the person but about the issue at hand. They are growth-oriented and assertive in their communication, but refrain from threatening or aggressive language, hyper-criticism or blaming others. Challenges aren’t afraid to ask inconvenient questions and they won’t beat around the bush – but they are always guided by good intention, respect and integrity.
From Rescuer to Coach: The Coach resist their natural urge to be hero and save their family or team members, and focusses on empowering and helping them grow instead. They see other people as inherently capable, resourceful and not in need of rescuing, and provide support while allowing the other person to remain ultimately responsible for their actions. A Coach uses questions to encourage independent thought in others to explore options and make decisions.
How can I escape the Karpman triangle and choose a more empowered role?
The pre-requisite to escaping the unproductive, unhealthy relationship dynamics of the Karpman triangle is an awareness of how and when they play out – and an honest assessment of the role you are playing in it.
In the next step, reflect on the underlying needs, fear and rewards you may be getting from playing your part.
Also remember that everyone has a different perspective on things, and that we tend to tell ourselves (over-)simplified stories of the world, potentially casting others in one-dimensional roles and ignoring the complexity of their character and experience.
To lessen the sticky grip of the drama dynamic and try out different ways of thinking and acting, ask yourself the following questions:
What role am I usually playing in the Drama Triangle?
How long has this been my go-to role?
What is my motivation and my intent, and what are my fears fuelling my behaviour?
How is the role serving me (helping me get what I need and want)?
What are the negative long-term effects on my relationships and the way I feel about myself?
What are my long-term goals, and to what extent does my current role behaviour help me achieve them, or limit and undermine me?
How do I want others to perceive and remember me?
Do I want to stay in the current role?
If not, what actions can I take to develop a more proactive and effective way to solve conflict, achieve goals and get my needs met?
Further reading
Emerald, David (2016). The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic). Bainbridge Island: Polaris Publishing Group.
Karpman, Stephen (2014). A Game Free Life. Self published.